How to support your teen if they've been sexually assaulted
Content warning: This article talks about sexual assault which may be distressing to some people. If you or your family is in distress, access urgent help or call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).
It can be very confronting and upsetting if your teenager tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. As a parent, you may not know what to say or do next. Your first instinct might be to blame someone (including ourselves), lash out, or try to fix things by calling the police or their school principal. However, it's really important that we try to put our instincts to one side for a moment and focus on the survivor - your teen. Sexual assault often leaves survivors feeling powerless. By listening and allowing your teen to make decisions, you're helping them regain a sense of control and agency.
In this article, we’ll run through six practical steps you can take when responding to your teen’s sexual assault disclosure to ensure they feel believed and supported, with input from Ellie Freedman and Tara Hunter from Northern Sydney Sexual Assault Service. Click the links below to jump to the section you're after:
Make sure that your teen is safe
The first thing you need to do is check to make sure that your teen isn’t in any kind of immediate danger, especially if they’ve come to you for help shortly after the assault. They may need you to call the police or an ambulance, or to pick them up or bring them to a safe place.
Ask simple, open questions like:
'Are you okay?'
'Are you safe right now?'
'Is anyone threatening or hurting you currently?'
If the assault happened weeks, months, or years ago, they may not be in physical danger but could still feel emotionally unsafe. If you’re worried that they might be suicidal or at risk, access urgent help for immediate support.
It can be harder to ensure that you and your teen are safe if the perpetrator is a family member or a teacher. As parents, it’s our responsibility – and legal duty – to protect our kids against further harm. If you discover that someone in the family has sexually assaulted your teen, you can contact the national 24-hour sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), or the police, for guidance and protection.
Listen to them
Once you’ve ensured their safety, the next step is to simply listen. Parents may feel the need to rush in and take immediate action, but you want to make sure that you first give your teen the space to tell you what happened.
How to practice active listening:
Give them your full attention
Let them speak at their own pace
Ask gentle, open-ended questions like: 'Do you want to tell me what happened? and 'What do you need from me right now?'
Learn more about asking questions in ways that will encourage your teen to open up.
Reassure them that what happened isn’t their fault
It’s important to let your teen know that you don’t blame them for their sexual assault. As practice manager Tara Hunter from North Sydney Sexual Assault Service explains, 'It’s about having a no blame culture and saying that regardless of whether they weren’t in the right place or had been using alcohol, they didn’t ask for someone to hurt them. They didn’t go out with the intention that someone would sexually assault them.'
As a parent, it’s also important to manage any guilt that you may be feeling. If your teen is telling you about a sexual assault that occurred weeks or months ago, you may feel like you should have known, or you might take the fact that your child didn’t tell you straight away as a reflection of poor parenting. It’s important to remember that sexual assault is no one’s fault except the perpetrator’s. It can be useful for you to access one of the professional services listed at the end of this article during this recovery period.
Work out what they want to do next
It’s really important to give your teen as much decision-making power as possible when it comes to what to do next. ‘The thing about sexual assault is that someone else has taken away their power and their choice, their body,' says Ellie Freedman, medical director of Northern Sydney Sexual Assault Service. 'It’s about asking that young person, “Please tell me what is worrying you, and we can work together to fix some of that, or address some of those concerns.”’
Many teens who experienced sexual assault are often concerned about practical things, like getting emergency contraception or being checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
It’s okay to voice your concerns as a parent, especially if you’re worried about their safety, but aim to collaborate on decisions and respect their autonomy. Remember: every person’s recovery from sexual assault will look different and there is no ‘right’ course of action for you both to take.
Seek professional help
One of the best things you can do as a parent is to encourage your teen to seek support from a professional that is trained to support both survivors and their families. You could:
visit a hospital or GP
call the national 24-hour sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) for help at any time.
find a local sexual assault service (most towns have one). Check our our list of sexual assault support services over on our youth site.
The trained staff at a sexual health service (which may include counsellors, doctors and nurses) can provide:
emotional support
answers for questions about sexual health and consent
emergency contraception
testing for STIs (only if your teen wants to).
Visiting a sexual assault service doesn’t mean they will have to have a rape kit performed, meaning a forensic exam that gathers evidence of the assault from the survivor’s clothes or body. Depending on your teen’s age, the service may be required by law to report the sexual assault to other people, such as the police or child protection services. Tara and Ellie stress that this shouldn’t deter parents from visiting a sexual assault service. These steps are all in place to help support you and your teen to stay as safe as possible.
It can be really hard as a parent to know the right way to respond if your teen has been sexually assaulted, and it can be challenging to find a compromise between your ideas and concerns and your teenager’s. A benefit of visiting a sexual assault service is that trained professionals can step in, relieve some of that pressure, and provide a safe space for you and your teen to decide what happens next.
Get support for yourself
It’s important to make sure that you are also looking after your own mental health during this period. Here are some things you can do to look after yourself:
Chat to your GP, or to a mental health professional such as a counsellor or psychologist.
Contact the national 24-hour sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). They recognise that supporting someone who has been through a traumatic experience can be very difficult, and are able to help you with this.
Call Lifeline (13 11 14) if you are feeling overwhelmed or are struggling to cope, or if you feel sad or worried.
Remember: there is no shame in reaching out for help or in admitting that you don’t know what to do in this kind of situation. Being a survivor's support person can be hard work. Support is available to help so that you and your teen can move through this difficult experience together.
You should prioritise practising self-care; this can help you to feel recharged, happier and healthier. Self-care can look different for everyone, but some suggestions include: getting enough sleep and eating well; planning activities that you look forward to; and practising saying ‘no’ and setting personal boundaries. Check out more ideas for practising self-care as a parent.
While sexual assault or abuse is something that happens, it doesn't define us. Healing can be a complex journey, but help and support are always available.
Did you find what you needed?
I need to know more - Click here for more information about sex, consent, and teenagers.