How to help your teen when they’re feeling lonely and isolated
Loneliness in teens can be hard to spot – and even harder to talk about. If your teenager is shutting themselves away and acting distant, you can support them by strengthening your own connection, helping them to connect with others and guiding them towards support.
This article covers:
Is my teen lonely or just introverted?
Some teens are naturally more introverted than others and might prefer to spend time alone rather than hang out with friends and family all the time. Taking a break from social activity may just be about having the time they need to recharge. However, the following signs may indicate that they might be feeling lonely or disconnected:
They stay in their room for very long stretches.
They get irritated when you ask them questions.
They’ve withdrawn from friends and activities they usually enjoy.
They have frequent mood swings.
Psychologist Linda Williams says that young people can experience loneliness for a range of reasons. ‘Sometimes it can be due to social anxiety, or a lack of social skills, and sometimes it’s because they don’t have much in common with those around them. It is also an age when friendships can often change quite a bit, naturally.’
Have a discussion with your teen about what sorts of social activities they like, and their preferred way of engaging in them (e.g. how often, for how long, and with how many other people). This will help you to understand what will make them feel more socially connected. Teens who are more introverted than most still need to feel connected, just in different ways.
How to strengthen your connection with your teen
Even if your teen doesn’t open up right away about feeling lonely, keep showing up and providing a safe and consistent place for them.
Here are some things that can help:
Start a conversation. Asking your teen how they’re going and opening up a conversation can help you to figure out if they’re feeling lonely and whether there are other things going on, too. If they don’t want to talk, that’s okay – let them know that when they’re ready, you’ll be there for them.
Be available and present. When talking to your teen, focus your attention on them and listen actively to what they’re saying.
Do some activities together. Simple activities like taking a walk around the block after dinner or going for a drive can help your teen feel connected with you. It’ll also provide a less confronting opportunity for them to talk about how they’re feeling.
Validate their feelings. Tell them about times when you felt lonely as a teenager (or as an adult) and explain how those feelings passed. Let them know that everyone feels like this sometimes.
Help your teen connect with others
Working, volunteering and being creative are ways teenagers can contribute to their community in areas where they feel useful and knowledgeable. It’s likely they will find other people in these environments (whether in real life or online) who can become their peers and friends.
Here are some ways you can support your teen to connect with others.
Find clubs or activity-based groups in your area
Organisations like Scouts, sports teams, art classes or coding camps are built around shared interests, which can help to generate conversations. ‘Organised activities can be less stressful than unstructured social events for some teens,’ says psychologist Linda Williams. ‘They’re great ways to practise social skills and to meet others with similar interests, and they can focus on the activity instead of the social interaction when feeling overwhelmed.’
Check out your teen’s school, your local library or council, or search the Ending Loneliness Directory online, for groups that may be suitable for your teen.
Find volunteering opportunities
Suggest that your teen volunteer for a cause they’re interested in. They could help out at an animal rescue organisation or a homeless shelter, or they could coach a younger sports team. They can check out what’s listed online at GoVolunteer to get started.
Nurture your relationships with other parents
Invite families with teenagers to visit and share meals to create opportunities for casual interactions with their peers.
Encourage your teen to find a part-time or casual job
Work can be a great way for your teen to boost their confidence and expand their social circle. Help them to write a resume that outlines their skills, achievements and strengths, and the positive contribution they make to their school or community. Be prepared to help your teen talk with local business owners about potential jobs, then encourage them to apply for those they’re interested in.
Suggest other people for them to talk to
Not all teenagers want to share their feelings with their parents. You could help them to identify other trusted adults they could talk to, like an aunt, a neighbour, a friend’s older brother, a teacher or even their school counsellor. If they don’t want to talk in person, they could hop on to ReachOut PeerChat, a safe space for young people aged 16–25 to chat anonymously about what’s going on with them.
Sian’s story about loneliness and going to her parents for support
Sian at home with her dogs Sami and Frodo.
Early on in high school, Sian’s experience with toxic friendships changed her perspective on what she needed in her social life. ‘The idea that I had to make as many friends as possible stopped being important to me,’ she reflects.
As time went on, Sian realised that avoiding opportunities for connection was having an impact on her wellbeing. ‘Time alone can be really healthy and constructive. But too much time alone can make you feel bored and unmotivated, and can lead you to turn away from activities that used to make you feel happy.’
The toll of Sian’s loneliness extended beyond her own mental health and began to affect her family. She struggled with intense mood swings and panic attacks so severe they kept her family up at night, which caused them significant stress.
‘I felt they were angry with me. I didn’t feel as if I could reach out and tell them what was causing these outbreaks.’
Sian
Over time, Sian came to understand that her emotional struggles were part of a broader mental health condition. ‘My parents didn’t know the details, but they could clearly see that I was struggling,’ she says. They encouraged her to seek help from a school counsellor, psychologists and a GP. Through her work with these professionals, Sian was able to figure out the difference between the time alone that she needed in order to recharge and the loneliness that made her feel tired, unmotivated and hopeless.
The unwavering support of her parents, which included helping her with schoolwork and encouraging her involvement in team sports, made all the difference in the end.
‘My parents couldn’t “fix” my isolation in life, but they did teach me how I could strengthen my mental health and develop meaningful connections with people around me.’
Sian
Remember to look after yourself
It’s important to look after yourself while supporting a teen who is struggling. Here are some things you can do to take care of yourself:
Talk to other parents. You’d be surprised by how many of your friends and colleagues struggle with similar issues with their teens. Other parents might be able to share ideas or strategies that have worked for them.
Access free personalised professional support via ReachOut Parents One-on-One Support.
Prioritise your wellbeing. Take some time to rest and recharge. Remember what they say on planes: in the event of an emergency, fit your own oxygen mask first before helping others.
‘I know that it’s hard when your child or teenager is struggling, so I encourage practising some self-care yourself,’ says psychologist Linda Williams. ‘One of the best things parents can do for their kids is to make sure they are also looking after their own wellbeing. If you’re not feeling okay, it becomes much harder to look after someone else.’
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