Making a domestic violence safety plan with your teenager

If your family is experiencing domestic violence, it can be an incredibly confusing, frightening and stressful time for everyone. Creating a safety plan with your teen is an effective way to empower them to protect their safety and wellbeing. This guide explains the clear, practical steps you can take to protect their mental health and emotional safety.

How do I start a conversation about creating a safety plan?

When you sit down to talk with your teen, remember these tips.

• Validate their feelings: Acknowledge that violence from a family member is never okay. What your teen is going through may feel confusing, unfair or scary. You might say, ‘I know things have been really hard and scary lately. It's totally okay to feel angry or sad about it.’

• Focus on teamwork: Explain that you want to work together with them to create a plan that helps both of you feel safer and more in control.

• Be clear about responsibility: Reiterate that the violence is never their fault, and that it's not their job to stop the abusive behaviour or to protect the safety of the family.

• Keep the conversation calm and private: Choose a time and place when both of you are relaxed, when there's no immediate pressure and when you won't be overheard.

Learn more about talking to your teenager about domestic violence.

What should we include in my teen’s safety plan?

A comprehensive safety plan should be clear, simple and easy to follow. It may cover different scenarios, such as violence at home, or outside of the home, or in a situation like a contact visit. Certain things are important to include, for everyone’s safety.

• Agreed red flags: Specific behaviours can indicate that the situation is escalating and that it’s time to leave. Things to note in the plan as red flags to watch out for might include the person raising their voice, or throwing objects, or having a certain 'look'. 

• Code word: You can agree with your teen a subtle code word or phrase to use to signal the need to leave immediately or to move to a safe space, without alerting the person who is being violent.

• Safe place(s): Include information about safe places your teen could go and how to get there (e.g. a specific neighbour’s house, a public library or cafe, or a friend’s house). In case it’s not safe to leave the home, also identify a room that is the safest option, preferably somewhere with an inside lock and where they can’t be easily trapped.

• Emergency contact details: Include contact details for three or more people they could turn to who would listen and then take action to assist them. They should know if these contacts can offer a place to stay or simply provide support.

• Instructions for reducing the risk of harm: Tell your teen not to try to stop the argument or to step between people. Instead, they should leave the room, go to their designated safe place, and call the people on their contact list.

• Details of emergency services: Include contact details and hours of operation for 000 and other services that may be needed. Your teen should be able to give their home address and be prepared to describe the danger calmly.

• Emergency ‘go bag’: Note what to include in their emergency ‘go bag’, such as money, medications, a phone and charger, and an item that brings them comfort, like a favourite book or stuffed animal. 

Remember that your safety is incredibly important, too. A safety plan should also include steps for you to stay safe in an emergency. Your safety directly impacts your ability to support your child, and modelling self-care and safety preparation is a powerful way to show your teen that their wellbeing matters. 

How can I support my teenager’s mental and emotional safety?

Experiencing violence at home can have a profound impact on a teenager's mental health, leading to anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. Here are some ways to support them.

• Help them to learn healthy ways of expressing and dealing with anger, fear and other emotions. This might be through journalling, listening to music, drawing or doing physical exercise.

• Help them to get involved in things that boost their self-esteem and make them feel good about themselves. This could be a sports team, a school play, an after-school club, or a passion project like coding or drawing. These activities also provide safe time away from the home.

• Continue to model consistently calm, non-threatening and non-violent behaviour. This is one of the most important ways to show your teen what a healthy, safe relationship looks like. 

• Talking to a qualified professional can make a huge difference. Encourage your teen to see a school counsellor, or look into arranging counselling or therapy with a practitioner experienced in trauma and family violence.

• Structure and daily routines are reassuring during unpredictable times. As much as possible, stick to consistent mealtimes, homework schedules and bedtimes. 

Where to get further support

Remember that you and your teenager are entitled to support, and there are people ready to help you navigate this difficult time.

1800RESPECT has detailed resources for safety planning, including a safety planning checklist, escape bag checklist and information about recording evidence.

If you or your teenager need to talk to someone immediately, 1800RESPECT is available 24/7 on 1800 737 732 for confidential counselling and support. Our Youth site also has a list of domestic violence support services in Australia that either of you can access.